I was in Lawrence, Kansas, Mr. Paladin,
after Quantrill swept through.
Lawrence was like a church picnic
compared to what we're facing.
Well, just who is this unholy terror?
Shep Montrose.
Twice a year, he boards up his silver mine
and busts out of the hills for a weekend.
Trouble is, there ain't a town been built
can survive one of his visits.
Surely, you have a peace officer
and some men to back him up.
With a gun, Shep's a pure catastrophe.
Well, one man can't shoot down
an entire town of determined people.
No, but that'd be like murder.
Shep's a nice enough old feller.
We don't want him killed, Mr. Paladin; we just...
we just want him to act decent.
What we need is someone who can face him without a... a gun.
Well, is it because you like
this nice old gentleman, or is it something else?
The truth is, if we could keep the damage down to a minimum,
we could all live pretty well with Shep.
All right.
I'll take the job, on one condition.
I do it my way.
No advice, no comments, no complaints.
Don't shoot him, unless you have to.
Well, I'm just as interested in your goose
as you are in his golden eggs.
Come, darling.
Say good-bye to the nice gentlemen.
Excuse us.
An Injun barber couldn't have cut it any closer.
Shep blew into town not five minutes ago,
heading for the Green Front Saloon,
like a calf for a salt lick.
Now, while you're scrubbing off that trail dust,
he could be pulling the town out from under us.
Green Front's where you're needed now.
I'll see to your accommodations.
Those wouldn't be worry lines
I read in your face, Mr. Paladin?
Well, when a man has 200 citizens quaking in their boots,
it's only natural I'd approach him
with a certain amount of respect.
Yee-hoo!
Look me over, folks, here I am!
I'm a mile wide and all wool!
I'm a blizzard from Bloody Gulch,
and I can dive deeper and come up drier
than any man in 40 counties.
I'm a whirlwind mixed with a sandstorm.
Born in a powder house and raised in a gun factory.
I'm a tornado from Dead Man's Bar,
chief of Murder Town, and I'm dry!
Shep Montrose is the name.
And them that ain't heard of me before
is either unborn or buried.
Are you mocking me, sonny boy?
Mocking?
No, sir.
Applause is a tribute to a consummate artist.
May I, sir, have the honor of buying the first round?
Stow that money bag, my boy.
When old Shep's aboard,
there ain't but one fireman stokes the furnace.
Drinks for the house. And keep 'em rolling.
Didn't anybody ever tell you, little man,
that when you knock into a mountain,
you get buried by an avalanche?
I know you from somewheres?
You peddle a mighty fancy line of talk for a gun shark.
Couldn't be you're having a tug at my leg?
No, sir.
I have nothing but admiration
for a genuine mountain man.
I had thought the breed was extinct
in this part of the world.
That's me- the last of the giants.
Ain't never took water in my life.
Faster than greased lightning with a six-gun.
And I'll fight at the drop of the hat
and drop the hat myself.
You are, without any doubt at all,
the most cantankerously mean old rascal
that ever cut a dash.
Oh...
There stood the Devil, all set to hand you a pitchfork.
I dearly treasure a man that ain't afeared to die.
Where's the pool table?
In the back room, gents.
That's right, Green Front's got a pool table.
Only one in the territory.
And freighted out here special, all the way from St. Lou.
Take you on, gun shark.
After us, pappy.
Oh, now, children, you don't know what you're saying.
Th-That's my pool table.
His pool table?
Uh, uh... now, now, gents.
Uh, oh, why don't you have a drink?
Mr. Montrose is buying.
And I'm buying a pool table for my private pleasure.
Is he?
Uh, I'm sorry, Mr. Montrose, I don't see how.
A thousand ought to cover it.
You touch that money, bartender,
and you'll be drawing with your left hand.
Now, we could have gone all the way up
to Grizzly Hill for our fun,
but we just rode an extra 40 miles
'cause I had an itch for a game of pool.
Ah?
Now, I aim to scratch that itch, pappy.
Come all that distance, did ya?
Well, it's a shame you two boys
is gonna have to be buried
such a long ways from home.
Let 'em play, Shep.
What?
It doesn't make any difference to you one way or the other.
You're just spoiling for action.
I told ya that I... I had a shine for ya,
but it ain't a boundless affection.
It's got limits on it.
Well, I try never to ante
unless I can meet the final raise.
Excuse me.
Uh, Shep...
can, we, uh, move it outside?
Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
Outside he says, outside it is...
Yee-haw! Go get him!
Ain't you afraid you'll catch cold without your artillery?
Here, I'll give you a hand.
Whoo! Come on, pappy!
That's it.
Hey, boys, let's go!
Yeah! Yeah!
Whoo! Go get him, pappy!
Whoo! Come on, pappy!
Whoo! Whoo!
Yeah! Yeah!
Whoo!
Afternoon, Sheriff.
Something we can do for you?
Them, uh, dino...
Dinosaur?
Yeah.
Them dinosaurs you's telling me about...
they stopped making 'em, huh?
About a hundred million years ago.
It was change that finished them.
They couldn't keep up with the changing face of the world.
Well, if you ask me, they didn't miss much.
What's happened to this country shouldn't happen to a coyote.
They not only tamed the West, they busted its back.
Getting to be so a big man can't turn around anymore
without bumping into something.
You can't fight the future, Shep.
Nobody can.
Either you go with it,
or you go under.
Look at 'em.
Playing pool in there like a couple of sassy jaybirds.
And I got you to thank for that.
There just ain't no calculating
the damage that you did to my reputation
this morning- wh-wh-what'd you want to do it for?
It weren't your beef.
Well, I'm a chronic busybody.
Oh, no, you ain't.
Some hairpins just fight for pleasure,
and I'm one of 'em,
but you, you're about half civilized.
And the other half is-is-is pure grizzly.
I don't figure it.
Well, just say I came to Sunshine Creek
for a quiet weekend.
You're the only thing in my way,
and so I had to try and muzzle you.
I just thought of something.
You're for hire, ain't ya?
And old Shep's got money he ain't even counted.
How 'bout renting you for the weekend?
Renting me?
Yeah!
Yeah, I get goose bumps thinking about the destruction
you and me could invent if, if we teamed up together.
We could turn this town upside down.
Uh, no?
Oh.
What? Are you gonna throw a loop over old Shep?
I could kill you.
That's been tried.
Well, at least I hope you don't object to my drinkin'.
If a man can't swing a cat,
he ought to be allowed to drown it.
Bartender!
Give me a couple of bottles.
Two of 'em!
Here.
Here's to the dinosaurs.
Bless their little hearts.
Shep...
You gotta think seriously about...
Um...
You... you old...
You...
Have a nice sleep.
Bring on the town!
Yee-hoo!
¶
Excuse me.
You certainly have proved
a big disappointment, Mr. Paladin.
Well, couldn't your sheriff have even tried to stop him?
He did.
Doc says his skull is fractured.
We don't know whether he'll live or die.
Where's Shep now?
Old Valentine Collins took him off somewhere.
Whee-hoo!
Over here, Shep!
What?
He's gonna be all right, isn't he?
That matter to you?
Of course it matters. He's my husband.
Shep, do you remember driving a livery rig
through the window
of Mr. Gurney's hardware store last night?
No, I don't know.
Pay 'em all... pay 'em all off!
It's only money.
Maybe they can get some fun out of it- I can't.
I gotta get some hair off the dog.
I got a sour taste in my mouth.
Bartender! Give me a bottle.
Gun shark!
If the world's got no more use for dinosaurs,
how come the good Lord to make 'em in the first place?
Riddle me that.
Here, little man.
To your long-time death.
About time we get acquainted, sir,
seeing as how we're somewhat related.
Valentine Collins, Mr. Montrose.
Related?
To you?
That little girl you married last night,
Peggy, she's my daughter.
That makes me your father-in-law.
All right, Shep.
It's all paid for.
Let's get you out of here.
It ain't all paid for yet.
Father of the bride, Mr. Paladin.
You can understand what an exciting day it is
for my little girl.
Well, yes, I guess I can
just about imagine.
A man doesn't get a free ride
on the gravy train every day.
Oh, I'm afraid you mistake us, sir.
I'll admit my back trails is spotty.
Shep, you're choking him! Come on!
Maybe I never did join up with a church myself,
but I always said that marriage was a holy institution!
Last night, you made a trick out of it,
with me in the middle!
You put dirt on a name
that's known from here to the Cherokee Strip,
and the fact that you ain't yet dead from it
is owing mostly to my upset stomach!
You say your name's respected.
Your name's a local joke, old man.
Why do you suppose they tolerate you in this town?
Money! Without money, you'd be sitting in the pokey,
just the same as any other public nuisance!
You don't believe me, ask your friend there!
Ask how come the city fathers imported him from San Francisco,
just to be your personal chaperone.
Ah, Shep!
That's the fourth thing
nobody ever accused you of:
shooting an unarmed man.
Put off killing a snake,
and he'll be back tomorrow with his young 'uns!
Now, you get him out of here.
Go on! Get him out of here!
You sure put a strain on a friendship.
Shep, I'm gonna have to stop you.
You know that.
Now, come on.
Shep?!
Getting taller all the time,
ain't ya, gun shark?
I'll swear you've grown ten inches
since the first time we met.
Shep Montrose is the name!
The loudest gun that ever shook the prairie!
Faster than a ring-tailed whizzer
and... and twice as deadly.
Ask anybody west of the Pecos
and they'll tell you that when old Shep digs in his hooks,
stand back... or he'll drive you
right smack into the boneyard.
Smile, sonny boy!
This is a happy occasion.
You said it yourself:
"If you don't go with the future,
you go under."
You better make that first shot count.
You won't get two for the price of one.
I don't want you to get the idea old Shep's slowing up.
The sun got in my eyes.
Sure.
Used to be, a man could spit in any direction.
Country's too tame for a cyclone like me.
Best to leave it to the pilgrims.
One thing more.
What's that?
Is it true what that little man said?
That all Shep ever was... just a big joke?
Hmm?
I'm not laughing, am I?
¶ "Have gun will travel," reads the card of a man ¶
¶ A knight without armor in a savage land ¶
¶ His fast gun for hire heeds the calling wind ¶
¶ A soldier of fortune
¶ Is the man called Paladin ¶
¶ Paladin, Paladin
¶ Where do you roam?
¶ Paladin, Paladin
¶ Far, far from home.